Mom, I Have Arrived

My kids are 10 and 12.  They've always been good kids and generally well behaved.  I ask them to do something and eventually it gets done.  Yes, I may have to ask more than once, but no one has perfect kids, right?

Recently I've started to hear things I have never heard before coming from my children's mouths:   Why?  How come?  Now?  When it first started happening I was too surprised to respond or I tried to explain why, how come, and when I needed them to do what I asked.  Today, after I asked for something to be done and heard "why," I was shocked to hear my own voice with my mother's words.

"Because" I said, "Because I said so.  Because I'm your mother, and I don't need a reason to ask you to do something."

Whoa, who is that?  It's my mother.  I've become my mother!  You know what?  It's O.K.  What else would I say?  It's true.  They should do things because I asked them, I'm their mother and I don't need a reason to ask.  Right?

But I know more is coming:  "When donkeys fly" (That's a particular twist from the usual "when pigs fly" courtesy of my mother.);  "As long as you live under my roof;" "I'm the mother and you're the child;" and my personal favorite that has been handed down from my grandmother and then my mother: "If I say white is black and black is white, then white is black and black is white!"

I feel like I've attained an entirely new level of parenthood.  I guess it's a transition I must accept.  My kids are entering the testing phase.  I guess I need to transition with them.  I miss my mom - she died a few years back.  But now, whenever I hear one of these statements coming out of my mouth, I will think of her and smile.

And hope my kids are doing whatever I just asked them to do.

cindy

Family Wedding

Sometimes it's good to go home.  I'm getting to that middle age when you only get to see your extended family at funerals.  Last weekend we traveled to Illinois for a joyous purpose - my brother's wedding.  My four brothers and sisters, husbands and wives as well as most of their children, were there to celebrate.  We are really quite the crowd:

I didn't realize my immediate family was so big until I looked at this picture.  Not only did my immediate family attend, a good number of my cousins with their kids (and a few grandkids) showed up.  I had 23 cousins on my mother's side growing up and counting their spouses, children and grandchildren, there were 21 family members there representing the original 23.  That might not sound like a lot of family members to some people, but my cousins are scattered from Boston to Virginia, from New Orleans to Eau Claire, Wisconsin, and everything in between, especially southern Illinois.  The best part?  Because of social media, I feel like I still know what my cousins are doing most of the time.  Gotta love it.

We don't get too many chances these days to gather for occasions like weddings.  My mother was one of five girls and in the last four years, 3 of them have died, including my mother.  It's wonderful to know that even as my mother's generation is waning, their children still enjoy getting together and introducing new members of their families.  How ironic that probably the last wedding of the cousins is my brother's, the oldest cousin.

My kids were very surprised to find out how many "cousins" they have.  Here are the first cousins:

My daughter kept asking how she was related to all the other family she was meeting.  I kept repeating that they were all "cousins," some just farther removed.  During her week in Illinois, she also visited with my husband's family, including "cousins."  After we returned to Arizona, she missed being so far away from her extended family on both sides.  As the unofficial family genealogist, I was thrilled to see both of my children so interested in their family roots.

My cousins used to comment that such a large family came from the five "Wilbourn girls" (my mother and her sisters).  As we get older, our families have become very extended.  My kids and their cousins will now look to the five "Hendricks kids" as their source.

Mom and Dad would be so proud.

cindy

Shaking the Tree

I've been working on a quilt - it's one crazy quilt.  There are lots of fabric colors and designs, and I had this insane idea to hand embroider over the seams.  The squares are uneven and the embroidery is crude.  It's a bit of a hot mess, but one of a kind.  And I am spending a LOT of time to finish it.

When my dad died, I realized I knew almost nothing about my family name.  My dad was the only child of essentially a single mother.  That's when I became interested in genealogy.  I've been shaking the trees on both sides of my family since then and I've been amazed and amused at what I have found.  I have learned that even though it's exciting to know you are a descendant of Charlemagne, Holy Roman Emperor (really!), at some point the names become meaningless without some backstory.

The Old Clock

This is my grandmother's clock

It doesn't work, but I remember it in my grandmother's house and then in my house as a child.  Women in my family are strong.  My grandmother raised five girls after my grandfather died - the oldest girl was about 14.  My mom has been gone for a couple of years now, but another one of the surviving sisters, my Aunt Hope died last week.  That leaves only two sisters left.  This is a picture of four of the sisters in about 1934, a couple of years before my grandfather died.  My Aunt Betty isn't in the picture because she wasn't born yet.  My mom was the smallest one on the left.  The picture has been colorized, but you get the idea.

My Aunt Hope lived in far southern Illinois in a area where people knew each other.  She raised six children with my Uncle Sam and they were well known in the community.  They had the house on the hill.  I remember that house - big with two stories and lots of bedrooms.  I can still see it now as I close my eyes.
I didn't get to go to the funeral, but my two sisters did, as well as my oldest brother.  My two older siblings were born in the middle of a large group of cousins (about 9 within 5 years).  They all lived in the same area of southern Illinois and all used to gather on that house on the hill.  I've seen old home movies with lots of kids running around during Easter egg hunts with my aunts standing by, except my Aunt Hope who was chasing after the youngest child of the group.

On Facebook, one of my extended cousins, who also did not attend the funeral, wrote a nice memory of my aunt.  She received nearly 40 comments, mostly from non-family members who remembered my Aunt Hope.  It was truly touching to see the broader impact she had on the entire community.

My mother and her sisters were part of a generation that is waning.  My cousins don't live in the same area - we are scattered all over the United States.  Our kids didn't have that house on the hill where they all gathered.  It's a bit sad, but it's O.K. because we all have pictures, old movies and most importantly, the pictures and movies in our mind.  It's important that we share those with our kids so they know where they're from even if they've never been there.  I know I remember.

Rest in peace Aunt Hope.

cindy

Chance Encounters

Last weekend I had the pleasure of meeting the parents of one of my dearest friends.  My friend is one of the kindest people I have ever met, with an infectious smile and a warm hug.  I was intrigued to discover the people who raised this very special person.  I was not disappointed.

Her dad is a character.  No, really, a character, someone bigger than life.  He's a big guy with a huge personality.  The best description I can offer is that he is the ultimate Texan.  He knows everything about oil and Texas history and other interesting topics and he's not afraid to share it.  He's one of those rare people who can be a big personality without being a big ego.  KWIM?

Her mom is a sweet, nurturing woman.  She doesn't say too much, but it's not because she's shy or doesn't have anything to say.  It's because she is a listener, and a good listener at that.  She looks right at you when you talk and is genuinely interested in what you have to say.  She's proud of her daughter, but more importantly, admires her as a person.

As interesting as these people are, that's not why I was so fascinated with them.  What is remarkable is how my friend is the perfect combination of both of her parents.  She's a wonderful listener, compassionate and sensitive.  At the same time, she has a smile as big as Texas and a mischievous twinkle in her eye.  Wherever she goes she fits in and charms everyone in the crowd.

As interesting as it is to see the physical resemblance among children and parents, it's so much more enlightening to see the "inner" resemblance.  It brings a whole new facet to a dear friend and I'm privileged to have experienced that chance encounter.

cindy

If Our Mothers Had the Internet . . .

Every time I go to a linky party I see some amazing things.  It's mind boggling.  I'm speechless when I see all the creativity and talent from bloggers and on Etsy.  You can use the internet to find anything and learn to do anything.  It makes me wonder what our mothers could have done if the internet existed in the 70's and 80's.  I suspect there would have been less valium prescribed.

We could have linky parties featuring macrame plant holders and owl swings.

Just imagine what we could do with Jello!

Ponchos, legwarmers and tie dye, O MY!

Somehow Brats dolls don't translate as well to cakes

Don't forget those latch hooked rugs!

If our mothers had the internet they could have been more crafty, thrifty, and fashionable, even with mod podge, felt and egg cartons

Wait - I think I saw that last week in a linky party!

cindy

The Ear Piercing

Ever since Dear Daughter was 5 she's been begging to "have her ears to pierce".  I figured I would wait until she knew how to ask before I would agree.  My mother didn't let us pierce our ears until we were 12.  I've also heard my daughter howl in pain at the top of her lungs when you brush through her hair or she gets a splinter.

Because she just turned 9, I thought it wold be a good time, especially because she was still so excited to do it.  We went to Claire's about a week before her birthday, just in time to watch another 9 year old get her ears pierced.  Watching that little girl go from near tears to a smile sold both of us on the idea.

So the next week she was sitting in the same seat:

She was a big girl.

Since the ear piercing I've noticed a new sense of maturity.  She's becoming a young lady.  I'll miss my baby, but I think I could like this new lady in our house.

cindy

Fundraising Follies

This weekend, we are going on a trip to California for my husband’s business.  He is a church music director and his children’s choir is singing at a festival and Disneyland!  Being the music director’s wife is like being a pastor’s wife – you’re expected to lead in supporting the ministry.  Sooo, I became the unofficial chair of the fundraising committee – a committee of two with my dear Katie to help.  We both work full time outside of the home so we were a bit handicapped out of the gate.  In fact, we didn’t start fundraising until after the first of the year.

Our big fundraiser was a multi-basket raffle.  We assembled baskets with themes and sold raffle tickets that the purchaser used to pick the basket(s) he or she wanted.  I enlisted the choir moms to either create entire baskets or donate items to include in a basket.  Some of the “complete” baskets were 25 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, a tool set, a spa basket, and a cooking basket complete with fancy kitchen supplies.  The other baskets were assembled by Katie and I and included individual items we put together.  We made a “Mom Relief “ basket that included perfume, jewelry, picture frames and thank you notes and a homemade teddy bear.  We also assembled a “Scrapbook” basket where we broke into our stashes and came up with albums, stickers, paper, tools, embellishments and a certificate for a day crop at a local scrapbook cottage. 

I learned several things about basket raffles: 
1.  If you ask people to put together a whole basket, let them choose the theme. 
2.  Ask people to donate items, group them together and create your own theme.  We had a “Religious Items” basket (complete with reserved parking and a front pew for Christmas and Easter). 
3.  Don’t be limited by the obvious themes – restaurant, manicure, movie gift certificates (although those are great), but use your imagination!  Our baskets included, among other things, a Scentsy warmer, homemade booties and a bag of Dove chocolate. 
4.  “Regifting” is encouraged!  It's best use of a gift you don’t want/need. 
5.  Don’t be afraid to ask local businesses!  We had donations from salons, a scrapbook cottage, a well-known Nascar driver, a photographer and a casino. 
6.  Think outside the box – what about a gift certificate for dry cleaning, grocery store, house cleaning services, the local hardware store, even babysitting from some teens at the church? 
7.  You don’t have to have a “big ticket” item in the baskets.  We did have a couple of baskets that included tickets to sporting events and a trip to Cancun, but those weren’t even the most popular baskets.  The most popular was the “Foodie” basket with bottles of wine, wine glasses, snacks and local restaurant gift certificates. 

The best part was that over a three week period of selling tickets after our masses, we raised over $6,000!  That was before the “tried and true” bake sale we had on Super Bowl Sunday.  Tomorrow I will give you some of the best tips I learned for bake sales.

cindy

Monday Morning Quarterback

In recent days as part of my job as an attorney, I endured three days of hearings on a very specialized and technical matter.  An independent third party conducted a study and the subject of the hearing was second guessing the third party and disputing whether the determinations made by the party were precise enough.  There were numerous parties on either side of the issue, and a courtroom full of attorneys and expert witnesses.  It was mind boggling.

It reminded me a bit about raising my children.  There are many individual decisions and environmental factors that go into how my children are shaped and formed.  Long after those decisions and factors shape and form them I may look at my adult child and second guess why I did this or that, or whether I made mistakes along the way.  Why is my child an angry/impatient/apathetic/timid person?  What made him that way?  Did I do enough to address the issue, or did I create it?  Sometimes I’m not even waiting until my child is an adult.  Why does my child have ADHD/obesity/lack of respect?

“Monday-morning quarterbacking” is a waste of time and energy.  We all do the best we can, given the circumstances we are in and the child we are working with.  To reexamine every decision and event that occurs is counter-productive (and it doesn’t help our own self confidence going forward).  Wouldn’t it be better to deal with where we are today?  If an issue needs to be corrected, let’s correct it, instead of trying to pinpoint how it occurred.  The fact is, how something influenced or shaped our child may have nothing to do with things we did, but instead related more to the circumstances and time and place the child was in at the time they were influenced or shaped.  Maybe there is no explanation.

I’m trying to take the pressure off myself, do the best I can, and let the chips fall where they may.  I need to keep the focus on today and let my children understand that I am human too, capable of making wise decisions and capable of making monumental mistakes.

Whew!  I’m relieved, how about you?

P.S. As a footnote, at the end of the hearing, the Court directed the third party not to be guided by the opinions of the various sides, but to use its best professional judgment.  I guess I'm not the only one to reject Monday Morning quarterbacks!

cindy 

Vaccines: We're in this Together

When he was five, my oldest brother spent a month in an iron lung in a hospital 45 minutes from my parents' home.  Have you ever seen an iron lung?

An iron lung is a negative pressure chamber that literally pushed air in and out of my brother's body.  Why?  Because the alternative was paralysis and maybe death from polio.  In the 1950s polio was the disease that made every mother terrified because it could strike without warning and spread like wildfire with no explanation or cure.  When the Salk vaccine was initially developed, my mom couldn't wait to get my then three year sister vaccinated.

When I was little, most kids suffered with measles, mumps, rubella and chicken pox.  In fact, there was a significant outbreak of rubella around the time I was born that resulted in an estimated 20,000 infants born with congenital rubella syndrome, with an additional 2,100 neonatal deaths and 11,250 miscarriages. Of the 20,000 infants born with congenital rubella syndrome, 11,600 were deaf, 3,580 were blind and 1,800 were mentally retarded.  Can you imagine how scared my mom was, especially when my brother contracted rubella when I was 6 weeks old?

People like me who had mumps, rubella and chicken pox as kids without complications were the lucky ones.  Adult men who get mumps frequently get testicular infections and adult women who contract chicken pox during pregnancy (because they weren't immunized or didn't have the disease) can have a child with birth defects.

So what's my point?  Vaccines have resulted in significant improvements in the quality of life throughout the world.  The risk of many significant and widespread diseases has all but disappeared.  In fact, we no longer vaccinate for smallpox because the disease has been eradicated.  Unfortunately there are many diseases that are virtually gone in the U.S. but still exist in the world:  polio, pertussis (whooping cough), diphtheria, chicken pox, mumps, measles, rubella and so many others.  These diseases are just an international flight away.

There is a movement to "exempt" children from routine childhood vaccines.  Here's the thing - if you choose not to vaccinate your child, I have no problem with you taking that risk with your child.  The problem is that there are others - people in my generation who don't have immunity because vaccines weren't available, infants who haven't been vaccinated, people with suppressed immune systems and more.  There have been specific examples of diseases returning when vaccinations were suspended - mumps on an Iowa college campus, pertussis in Sweden and the United Kingdom and various measles outbreaks.  Funny thing - of all of the arguments I've heard or read about the "risks" of vaccinations, I haven't seen one that disputes the fact that vaccines save hundreds of thousands of lives.  It's one thing to expose your children to diseases that may not be common today, but another to subject others to those diseases. Why do we want to bring back the fear our mothers and grandmothers experienced with their children?

Please - when you think about whether to vaccinate or not to vaccinate your child, please think about all of our children.

cindy